In my post of february 14th, I sketched some wishes for my life’s development… it is such a pleasure to read back now, and know, I have received all and more! Staying true to my intentions, I shall detail the hows and whats in my emerging Spellfinder blog…
Just mentioning it here to express my gratitude at circles closing, seeds opening with life, taking time to rejoice in the hyacinth’s fragrance : )
A dear, wise woman has died. My last “grandmother” – mother of my mom’s partner. Today we bury her.
Tante Hans – always cheerful, wise, honest. Compassionate. Never a complaint – yet she stood her ground.
I am grateful to have known her, grateful she had such a swift departure. I am inspired by the way she was, chose to be.
Today, I look at the black hole inside I used to fear, and know: this is what connects us. It is the universe of spirits, of nothingness, of eternity, that has lit life in you, and me, and everyone we know – and which, whatever we do, in whatever form it expresses itself, we must acknowledge, in eachother as in ourselves.
Namaste, tante Hans. Your light, no longer contained in your mortal body, will continue to enlighten the lives of all who knew you. I feel blessed and shall try to honour you by shining on.
It seems I keep signing off here… but honestly, I have been proliferating blogs at a disturbing level, dear reader. Since september 2008, when I got back in the blogging game, I have created and been posting on and off at around seven blogs.
However rewarding, and how I am tempted to keep it up, splitting my personalities in a semi legitimate way, this is confusing you and me both. It seems strange to put this particular one on hold – since it is the oldest and has most visits to boost – any day now, we’ll break that 1.000-mark!
But Tinkabell has served its purpose to help me get out of my depression/burnout. CurrentlyI hold the belief that I was never really depressed ; ). As a bonus, it has helped me find all of you Ubuntu people! Vanessa, you most of all, by your individual attention and through the following you have gathered – you have given me such strength and hope, by knowing I am not alone in some of my loopier thoughts. Helped me find my own sense of meaning, purpose and values, through what I read and recognize in you, throu. What a wonderful time it has been! Meeting of the mind, heart and soul, forever to remember.
Now my spirit is strenghtened, I feel I am ready, willing and able to move on. I will try, I will fail, but I will succeed through doing, no matter what the result. It is time to enter the real world with these fresh yet solid beliefs you have helped me uncover in myself. To make it true for my real life connections.
– I envision setting up an offline business as a teamempowerment coach. Spellfinder, as I call it, will grow organically. The beginnings of the website are up for you to explore. You are welcome to follow my writing and other professional there. I have decided to publish there once or twice a month (limiting myself here!).
– I am working hard at landing a job to fuel my network, need for company and wallet while I develop Spellfinder (which may take years, truth be told). I see this happening in the very near future.
– I will continue writing in social settings, which is what drew me here. Offline, now, though! For starters, in my monday writing group.
Sadly, I won’t be posting here anymore. This may turn out very hard (in fact, impossible!) for me, too. But I want to honour my inner voice, that keeps whispering I need real people, hot bodies around me, and I cannot live from behind a computer screen. So I am going to keep it up (or rather, down). I have to admit, this blogging break has done me good.
In honour of the solace and hope found here, I will leave the existing posts up. Maybe, someone may find answers or words of comfort or a new truth that fits them, too. If not, that’s OK too – it will be a mememto to a unique experience. Thank you for sharing it with me!
If you have come here because you want the blogname, please contact me. I am sure we’ll work something out!
Wishing you a wonderful Valentine 2009 – with love to all of you out there who participate in the reading and writing conversation.
Thank you for reading,
The tent is so small, I want to stretch my arms, rest them under my head, but the coffin shape doesnt allow it. I push the cloth, feeling dimished. Why didn’t we rent a room in the hotel, where we could have normal beds, to stretch ourselves in all we like? We walk from the harbourfacing, highpoled structure towards the city highrises. Across a green no mans land, that is destined to disappear when the ambitious, mirrorlike highrise will be built, that will block the soft orange sunlight that now illuminates the flats behind. I can already see the huge, cold shadow it will throw, and a quick shiver runs down my spine, that I try to ignore.
Entering the hallway of the young man’s studio, we feel enclosed like he must have. I have the key, but am uncertain how to fit it in. The lock faces upward and it seems to be installed inside out. I match the keys protrusion to the hole, having to hold it upside down and backward. The chafing on the wood opposite the hole shows me this is the right way, I am chafing it now, too. My partner stands behind me, impatient, but reassuring the Japanese police that I know what I am doing and will get it right. We all think of the loneliness of this homosexual student, living in a boarded off room with his uncle and aunt, who keep him away from their life. How it happened, we will soon find out, but the eeriness of why, how easy it must have been, to elimitate someone so isolated, haunts our spirits, chills our souls.
The lock clicks and I jam the door open. The room looks surprisingly warm and cosy, semi steamy windows facing the harbour. In the middle is a cooking island. A skillet with minced meat frying sits on top of the stove. The meat is still tepid. An open tiny tin of tomato puree concentrate stands on the side, with a chopped onion, ready to be chucked in. The muffled sound of aunt and uncle talking penetrates the make shift wall of plasterboard.
I turn in wonder to face my partner and the Japanese police officers.
This was my dream of last night! The eerie feeling was with me when I woke up and I can sense it again when I recollect this dream. Strangely, it also makes me feel proud, and in wonder about the specificity of the details.
It has been almost a month now when my dad suffered his brain stroke – january 6th, day of the Epiphany.
So, is the epiphany that we all need some resetting?
I had a vivid summary repetition of four childhood dreams. Dreams that came to me repeatedly at the age of 8.
A dream of a family holiday. We drive up a small mountain trail, the four of us. The desert glows orange and barren. Suddenly, I am alone on the trail. Mom, dad, my older brother – I have lost them, or they are leaving me behind, backs turned, oblivious to my being. I feel utterly and completely alone and deserted.
Then, there’s the hot airballoon. I am in it, alone as well, and I drift. Away, higher and higher. I want to get down – but I don’t know how. I remember telling my dad this one, we are on the stairs of the family home, and I feel bewildered, or possibly disappointed, that he doesnt have a satisfactory reaction to this dream. “It’s just a dream, right? If it gets too scary, just remember to wake up”, something alone those lines leaves me momentarily consoled, but a tiny scratching nags the edge of my stomach.
The under water one I remember telling my mom, and feeling similarly disappointed. I am swimming underwater, joyfully, until I hit a wall unexpectedly. I don’t know where to go and find I can’t swim up to the surface anymore, either. I want to scream for help but no one will hear me. The memory carries a sense of control, courage and urgency: I did conquer the immediate threat of the dream through my mom’s advice. In the now I have to wonder though, why does it come back to me?
The driving dream is so vivid it feels like a real memory. I am in our car under the golf plate make shift carport next to our garage. I can barely look over the steering wheel, I can’t be over 5 years of age. I have to drive, though – and I do. Haphazardly, out of control pushing pedals and steering, I find myself driving through the quiet yet winding lanes of our neighbourhood. The car goes way to fast for me and I skirt the soft shoulder. I want it to stop but I don’t know how. This dream has definitely been responsible for me needing so much driving lessons…
The meaning of these dreams is quite clear, especially knowing the events of the time: my parents divorced, our family split up. Even before that, it was every man for himself.
Even mom tells me, emotions around the divorce come back to her now she’s visited dad a couple of times.
For me, it is all fear. Of being all alone – of having to take on too much responsibility – of losing my way – of being unable to communicate – of losing touch with reality, getting lost in an airy dream world.
And the fears, old as they are, are strong. They suck me in, drain my energies. Especially after visiting dad. I have to take care of myself, I can’t go too often. But he needs me – he seems happy I have come. So there we are. Borders. I must fend for myself. Enjoy my own life. Energize it, generate energy in it – before giving it away so freely. The dreams show me how. These fears are still pitfalls for me. Don’t let them guide me. Don’t let them suck me into my own energy credit crisis. Know they are there. But they are ghosts of the past. No need to fight them, now – I am not alone, helpless, lost, too little with challenges too big. I may feel that way because of old now invalid patterns activated through circumstance. This is how interacting with the other three (mom, dad, brother) makes me feel. Because it is where they left me. But now, different patterns may apply. Find circumstances to strenghten those. Define success on my own terms. Use mind power to create those different patterns. What does love, success, a family mean to me now? What do I want it to mean?
I try to be grateful to the Universe for pointing this out to me. Move on. It is time. Here is your vortex. It may suck you in – that’s OK. Just trust that you wont stay stuck in there. It is not your destiny. That lies beyond. Go for it!
PS Dad is doing OK – not talking, but walking, and this week he’s done some humming and some computer mousework.
I am taking a blogging break until february 14th – when I shall return with love.
I need some time to continue my morph – break out of my online cocoon, put more of the new me out in the real world. Try ways to show my friends, family and my new colleagues (that I still have to meet).
Thank you for your unwavering support, inspiration, acceptance and awareness –
keep thinking good vibes while I morph :)
The power of thought is the power of creation.
Like cold air and the exact conditions, that create a snow crystal out of a water drop.
I call upon my own powers of creation, as I invite you to call upon yours.
I wish to create for myself, my loved ones, those close to me and those I encounter in the physical and digital world – clarity, calmness and kindness. Space to grow and enjoy life to its fullest, picking all its berries, sweet and bitter, tasting, digesting and energizing. Gnawing it down to the bone, while hatching new life. Space to breathe, yet hands to touch, when reaching out. Warm bodies and shoulders to share the burden.
Create new pathways to love myself, to trust that I matter. Every second of me. As do you, and you, and you.
Thank you for being, thank me for being, thank my parents for bringing me to life.
Creating ways to express this. Everyday, every second.