Tink*abell

Ooh, that family vortex

Posted on: 1 February 2009

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It has been almost a month now when my dad suffered his brain stroke – january 6th, day of the Epiphany.

So, is the epiphany that we all need some resetting?

I had a vivid summary repetition of four childhood dreams. Dreams that came to me repeatedly at the age of 8.

A dream of a family holiday. We drive up a small mountain trail, the four of us. The desert glows orange and barren. Suddenly, I am alone on the trail. Mom, dad, my older brother – I have lost them, or they are leaving me behind, backs turned, oblivious to my being. I feel utterly and completely alone and deserted.

Then, there’s the hot airballoon. I am in it, alone as well, and I drift.  Away, higher and higher. I want to get down – but I don’t know how. I remember telling my dad this one, we are on the stairs of the family home, and I feel bewildered, or possibly disappointed, that he doesnt have a satisfactory reaction to this dream. “It’s just a dream, right? If it gets too scary, just remember to wake up”, something alone those lines leaves me momentarily consoled, but a tiny scratching nags the edge of my stomach.

The under water one I remember telling my mom, and feeling similarly disappointed. I am swimming underwater, joyfully, until I hit a wall unexpectedly. I don’t know where to go and find I can’t swim up to the surface anymore, either. I want to scream for help but no one will hear me. The memory carries a sense of control, courage and urgency: I did conquer the immediate threat of the dream through my mom’s advice. In the now I have to wonder though, why does it come back to me?

The driving dream is so vivid it feels like a real memory. I am in our car under the golf plate make shift carport next to our garage. I can barely look over the steering wheel, I can’t be over 5 years of age. I have to drive, though – and I do. Haphazardly, out of control pushing pedals and steering, I find myself driving through the quiet yet winding lanes of our neighbourhood. The car goes way to fast for me and I skirt the soft shoulder. I want it to stop but I don’t know how. This dream has definitely been responsible for me needing so much driving lessons…

The meaning of these dreams is quite clear, especially knowing the events of the time: my parents divorced, our family split up. Even before that, it was every man for himself.

Even mom tells me, emotions around the divorce come back to her now she’s visited dad a couple of times.

For me, it is all fear. Of being all alone – of having to take on too much responsibility – of losing my way – of being unable to communicate – of losing touch with reality, getting lost in an airy dream world.

And the fears, old as they are, are strong. They suck me in, drain my energies. Especially after visiting dad. I have to take care of myself, I can’t go too often. But he needs me – he seems happy I have come. So there we are. Borders. I must fend for myself. Enjoy my own life. Energize it, generate energy in it – before giving it away so freely. The dreams show me how. These fears are still pitfalls for me. Don’t let them guide me. Don’t let them suck me into my own energy credit crisis. Know they are there. But they are ghosts of the past. No need to fight them, now – I am not alone, helpless, lost, too little with challenges too big. I may feel that way because of old now invalid patterns activated through circumstance. This is how interacting with the other three (mom, dad, brother) makes me feel. Because it is where they left me. But now, different patterns may apply. Find circumstances to strenghten those. Define success on my own terms. Use mind power to create those different patterns. What does love, success, a family mean to me now? What do I want it to mean?

I try to be grateful to the Universe for pointing this out to me. Move on. It is time. Here is your vortex. It may suck you in – that’s OK. Just trust that you wont stay stuck in there. It is not your destiny. That lies beyond. Go for it!

PS Dad is doing OK – not talking, but walking, and this week he’s done some humming and some computer mousework.

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1 Response to "Ooh, that family vortex"

Sorry my friend, that it took me so long to get over here…… first of all, glad to hear that your dad is making progress. That is good news.

My partner is also a very vivid dreamer; the symbolism, sometimes spelled out completely, is always so clear in her dreams. Mine always seem to be more vague in what they mean. The first fear that I thought of when I read your dreams is fear of being left behind. And, like the others that you have listed, that seems like that is an old, childhood fear that is coming around, possibly because of the severe onset of illness in your father.

It serves as a very direct reminder that you need to grab the reins of your life now; it is essential for you to remember that you don’t have to be afraid of those same things anymore; that you are capable, deserving, and ready to have goodness and security come into your life.

Listen to what those dreams send you as messages…… it is your time. I really sense that.

Sending huge, huge hugs to you!!!!!!!!!!!

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