Not speaking

Posted on: 7 January 2009

Yesterday around noon my brother called me. My dad had a brain stroke (his 3rd one) yesterday night. He is in hospital and lost his speech.

My brother and me went to visit in the evening, he was strangely chipper, trying to crack jokes without words. Trying to cheer us up, I guess. But also sad and frustrated.

After, we visited my dad’s girlfriend. Strange because our relationship is somewhat undefined. After we announced it became time to leave, she confided the troubles of their relationship to us. That was weird and stayed on my mind almost more than my dad’s health.

Just now, I called her to say (paradoxically), I do not really want to hear about those troubles. Yet, I love her, as does dad, and want to see her well and their relationship blooming. That was weird, me trying to take care of her, when all I really feel is alienation and her anger towards my dad. For not taking care of himself – quit smoking, start exercising, and not allowing her to take care of him. Also, I really do not want to take this counselling role toward a parent, or any loved one for that matter, for it seems like ‘forsaking myself’, when I really want to take care of me. But then again, I exist in relating to others – but I must be present, claim my own space in that relation. That is what I keep forgetting, what I miss.

O well, another day, another try, another fail: heightening the chances of success, another day. Being sucked into a family vortex of unwanted patterns, trying to break free.

She was happy I called. Me too: I needed to do something to stop mulling about what she told us yesterday. I imagine I handed it back to her: I think this belongs to you.

Now, I long for a change of tune, something else. I must find business as usual type of thing. Think I’ll go for a walk, first.

Thank you for listening.


1 Response to "Not speaking"

I am sending you the biggest hug EVER!!! So sorry that this is happening with your dad; and that you are being pulled in; but sounds like you drew your lines in the sand and are taking care of you, whether you realize it or not.

And, by the way, it is ALWAYS okay to want to take care of what you need….. even with family……

I hope today is a bit better…..

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