Posted on: 5 January 2009

confusionHappy New Year to all my dear readers!

I am so glad to be back here among you.

Confusion has ruled my mind for the past two weeks. Maybe its because I was away from the blogsphere. I could not write. I brought paper and pencil and sat down a time or two, dropped a note or two – but it did not feel like getting down (or up) to the level that fills me. The level that needs attention, straigthening out, emptying out, sorting. The level where I get back to me.

My husband, my son and me took a trip to the inlaws in Austria. We own a little house there in a village near Vienny, with his brother with wife and son. The house is old and filled with residual memories and stuff, the storage space any second house will become if lack of vision or courage applies. In this case, the energy of a family that bottles up their feelings, members rarely expressing their personal desireds and needs, but keeping up appearances and thinking of the others first.

We arrived sunday the 22nd. Dinner at S’parents’ villa next door, a nice cosy arrival.

On monday, we tried rearranging stuff, cleaning out some more – we started that last year, when S’s parents moved next door and turned the house over to us. But still. We had to do it without the help of brother and sister in law, who were arriving five days after us. And hadn’t anticipated the troubles in such an endeavour when darling little F of 13 months was crawling around our feet. In the afternoon, we visited oma.

Tuesdaymorning we dropped F off at his grandparents after his nap. Got done settling in. Visited tante Jutta in Wien in the afternoon and the Christkindlmarkt at the Karlsplatz with brother in law and fam.

Wednesdaymorning: swimming. At 16, Weihnachten at S’ uncle and aunt. The stiffness of this celebration caught me by the throat this year especially. Funny, when all the family members seem nice enough individually. There seems to emanate a moral righteousness from some, almost invisibly, that sours it up. I was struck by cousin C who glanced over to his dad, uncle C, admonishingly, during the final prayer of Our Father – uncle C forgot to put in a starting phrase or something. I always feel pretty silly during that prayer: I do not know the words and do not know how to hold myself. Of course the four of them went to midnight mass. Cousin C, in university now, is still active in the catholic Jungschar – a youth group from church.

Thursday – nothing planned. Don’t remember what we did. Arrival of brother in law and family to the house, settling in. Curious absence of discussion of our vorschlag, proposal, of how we rearranged the house.

I felt bereaved of my speaking faculties, because the lingua franca was, as a matter of course, german. I had the hardest time ever expressing myself. Tripping over pronouns, searching for my vocab. Seems to get harder every year – not until the second week did I feel more comfortable. I keep forgetting. It was hard last year, too.  

Also, for the huge pile of outfits we’d brought F, I only brought one jeans for myself. That got quite dirty on monday and tuesday.

Why am I writing all this? Because I feel so confused, and disappointed too, at the way our holidays went. I had looked forward to them. But it all went so different from what I expected – when I wasn’t even aware I had expected anything at all. I was cranky most of the time. When I felt so good before leaving. I had a hard time “umschalten” – shifting gears. I guess I felt homesick. And now, here I am in Amsterdam. We returned on friday and had a brilliant weekend. Visited with my family. Did some cosy stuff ourselves – and just enjoyed being at home, in our familiar surroundings.

Maybe I just started liking it so much here, that I hated being dragged away? Maybe I am getting to old for travel? Maybe it is my connection to F, who’s too young for travel as we experienced in Vancouver last September? It is so not working. I feel anxious about family holidays. I do not want to go.

And now, again, I have to shift gears. In my home office, build on my business future. Where did I leave things when I left? Is all I ever do ask questions? Will my vision, that seemed so clear in December, rematerialize all by itself? Or do I need to tug at it? Where to start? What to do? Was it any good, in the first place? Or should I stop worrying so much and just start, anywhere (probably)?

Guess part of my disappointment is how the freshness I have been feeling so clearly inside of me, growing, growing, that I am tending to here, is so invisible to the people we have spent, not just this Christmas, but all those Christmasses with. The last decade. How my perspective, that’s changing inside of me, budding, yearning to come out, is too fragile, covered in earth, to be perceived by them. I feel frustrated to not be that person – to not express it – to not choose according to it. I don’t feel I was in the right place. Maybe I was. Maybe I need more faith and patience. But all I felt was alienation, removal. Moral highground, judgements. Emptiness. Cold. Yet, constriction. Did I do that? I feel, no. I feel, old patterns and strongholds take us over – all of us. I have come to see people in different – unfavourable – light. Including myself – powerless. And aborted – from my fertile homeground. Guess I am growing roots here. Why can I not feel my values within me? Like those around me feel mine? Everyone is always happy to see me, to have me. Why do I depend so much on my surroundings? Why am I not stronger, more protective of my boundaries, empowering that in me which is strong, believing, faithful? Why do I doubt myself? I am hoping I will be more at ease there, next time. And more at ease here, today.

So, confusion. Disappointment.

But then again, it is winter. Flowers are supposed to hide in their buds. Maybe I should enjoy the confinement of the earth.

Plowing on,


1 Response to "Confusius"


I have missed you…….:)

You know what I hear in this? So much, but especially fear of growing, but growing. Feeling edgy and saying so. Wanting to be close to the roots you have been establishing for yourself. Being truer to you, so the stuff around us seems so much more transparent.

Is any of that accurate?

You may also become self protective in what you are exploring within; not wanting to share it with those that will step on it, because they do not understand. I still hesitate at times in sharing my deepest exploration with many others, because it is so deep and personal, it really only belongs to me and those closest to me in understanding.

THis year, much of what I did for holidays is let go of expectations; just let the dysfunction play out however it did, but had fun and joy anyway. And, I did hit one bump with my inlaws; asked a question about tradition that was not supposed to be asked, as I was quickly reminded. It bummed me out, but I processed it and got on with the day. No other glitches. But, in my heart all along, I kept reminding that I what I want and need is always important, so it didn’t sting so much……..

Anyway, I am SO glad you are here, and writing, and searching and finding, because it will all be worth it, a bit at a time…..

Off to read the next installment!!!


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