Black heart – list on love

Posted on: 6 December 2008

black-heartAs promised, I’ll share my love is… list with you. That I did yesterday. Looking at the blog, this design does not at all fit my mood and content, so I’ve changed it accordingly. I never was a black metal fan but this is where this blog seems to be going, and I’ll tag along.

However, to ease the blow somewhat (that’s mainly for me), I’ll start with what I take away from the list. I tried starting with a summary of what I want to take away, but that does not work at all. I’ll try relating the process, instead.

I wrote down “Love is…” on top of a white sheet of paper, and numbered from 1 to 20 in the left margin.

I started filling out the numbers.

1. difficult (oops)

2. I don’t know love (oops, oops)

3. makes me sad (here’s where the tears started coming)

4. I don’t believe it (more tears, I’ll tell you when it stopped)

5. not to be trusted

6. lonely

7. makes you dependent

8. scary

9. impossible

10. all that matters

11. what I really need

12. out of my reach (end of the tears. Instead, I felt something huge clogging up my throat, choking me, making me want to throw up)

13.  false

14. too sweet to bear

15. emptiness

16. being alone and naked in a wet cold concrete world

17. making me blue

18. overwhelming

19. impossible

20. death

21. guilt

22. the reason I’ve been blue most of my life (?)

23. misunderstood (by me and most of my dearest ones)

24. never the same

25. forever & forgiving

26. something I really want to learn, feel, understand, experience, radiate

27. within me (I hope) always

28. a human given

29. I experienced for the 1st time for my son

30. I want to know what love is

31. (not like in the Foreigner song, “I want you to show me”) I want to show myself.

I had not expected this. Is this how I usually feel? Where is the love? The chirpy me, me and my friends know and love? The belief, the faith, the trust in love and connectedness, how everything is gonna be alright? Where is it? Is this just a mood I am in? Or is this my basic belief set? OMG. I do not want it to be – which is probably why it is dragging me down. I guess I should open up to the fear and vulnerability bit. Own it. Yes, I am scared, too. I have been disappointed and sad, and I will be.

I guess all the other, more optimistic beliefs, are there, but hide behind the ones I disowned.

I shall try to feel my fear, more.

Thank you for listening.


4 Responses to "Black heart – list on love"

[…] Tink*abell stardust, here and now « Black heart – list on love […]

Do you go back and read this list, and it seems to follow a pattern from darkness to light, from hopelessness to hopefulness???? It sure reads that way……. I absolutely love it, and feel hopeful for you. I am sending you one MASSIVE hug!!!!!!

[…] Vanessa for the word) and other alternative payment systems, I choose to take a look at my lists (love, money, work) and choose the values I […]

[…] (checking back to Love Is list for inspiration, really having said everything essential, but afraid to be incomplete) No, […]

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