Boy next door

Posted on: 1 September 2008

His uncle C., who was at the B’day party, came out yesterday afternoon. On saturday I had succesfully set aside my sad and alone feelings – maybe I justed missed S. I had cried for a bit, dried my eyes and decided I could not spend the evening sitting alone and feeling miserable. I took Flo, a cup of tea for me and some toys for him, downstairs for a bit of a play out on the lawn across the street. Still somewhat teary-eyed, I passed M. who just came out the door. I managed to greet her and mumble something about sitting out in the sun. Not engaging in conversation – I was raging in unreasonable anger inside. I could not express to her, I am sure that would come out all twisted.

The lawnplay turned out brilliantly, since K (7) came up to us and started playing with F. for a bit, then joined me to sit at our own stoep, H&B soon joined, as did D&J. We were all chatting and I asked K to come and play B-ball with me. He did as did the others. He arranged for me to drop off F. at his mums. We all went to the B-ball yard and played some ball. All the kids wanted to race me as well, in running, which was excellent intervaltraining. I was happy.

So when C. came out, I had a little more distance from these feelings. I guess what I need writing for is to put words to my own feelings. So I dont have to get so clogged up everytime I get emotional. When I just get lost in feeling and get so angry with myself for being unable to express. Girl next door T. was also out, chatting away happily. D. told me she was happy to find a listening ear in me. This helped me appearing casual to C., not too interested.

C. detailed how the party yesterday was not really right for J. 10 kids! From 12-17, parents coming over and hanging around till 19. He had finished his boat first, while the other kids had already stopped trying. It was just too hard for them – him having experience with and a knack for this sort of thing. They lost interest. He, on the other hand, got more and more fanatic at finetuning. And, somehow frustrated. To the point where he completely destroyed his boat out of frustration! He went to sit in a corner, angry, not wanting to talk to anyone. The others ignoring him. This feels SO familiar in a way. S. said probably something else bothering him. I just get upset with M&M, making this big do for him, highlighting his technical skills, for sure, but making him vulnerable to his lack of social skills. In that big group… I hid my horrid satisfaction at having been right.

I did not confront M with my feelings. S. said, you do not know them <i>that</i> well. I guess he’s right. Moreover , I did not want to create a fuss, an irreparable rift out of my own oversensitivity. It’s more important to keep a ‘nice’-ness to our relations I guess. Or maybe when a suitable occasion presents itself. I decided on giving J. a small gift instead. So I did. I also gave M. something – the little Bingo game I’d bought some time ago. We all played, pregnant F. joined us. The game was actually very slow and J. took of on his treasure hunt – an unknown neighbour shouting across the yard later on to ‘please cut out the beeping noise!’ and Tosha took his place. Which was nice. Pregnant F. seemed in a socializing mood, coming over to us and all – but still judgemental, I don’t even remember now what about. As all the neighbouring women are, to my amazement. I suppose I am too, though I try to refrain from that too quickly felt judgement.


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