Posted on: 29 August 2008

Another thing: mum is here today to help with F. Which is excellent and a real help. So I have told her. To my shame, I have also snapped at her a coupla times. For asking “stupid questions”, interrupting me while I did this research,… and I know I make increase her insecurity when I criticize her dress, and she is afraid to cook for us as well because she knows how high my standards are. It makes me angry to be behaving (o, behave!) in this way. When all she wants is to please. I guess I need her to do what she wants and defend her choices, or even better, stand by them herself. Instead of wanting to please me. Which is the world topsy turvy – I should be aiming to pleas her, being the daughter and all. Oh well, that’s what I’ve got with dad and more than enough of it.

However, my snapping at her for disturbing me makes me wonder if I should want a management position. I want to do things myself, have control over how they are done, because my way is the best and I have my reasons etc. Such as cook or clean. Moreover, I do not want to discuss things with her, I just want her to do them, make her own decisions. But because of my control-side, she is right to be reluctant to do so. I enjoy working for myself, working, thinking, writing, loving to hang out in the idea world where anything goes. This is flow, for me. I am not eager to come out of it. I may step away from the PC for food, drink, or moving about – I know I should and I do enjoy using my body and my hands. But communicating – no. I prefer to let my mind focus on its own inner world, instead of opening up. When I am in this flow, in this train of thought. I feel energized, I feel on the brink of discovering all sorts of interesting, mindboggling, worldimproving things – and I do not want to be disturbed. I may want to express some of my thoughts. An audience, or maybe just talking out loud, having to finish sentences that way, will help my thought process. But really, I am not interested in leaving my own mental world when I get like this.

I wrote dad another email about his speech @ 60 years Japanese surrender. The unsung depth of their heroity, suffering and survival. The anger about that – which wasnt even in the speech. It makes me wonder if that is why I dwell in my own world where I can be a hero. If we as members of this family unintentionally, unknowingly, propell and promote how misunderstood we are – by not rising to our greatest glory (Marianne Williamson). Making sure we stay misunderstood – which is what we know, and how we feel safe. Our greatest fear: coming out, being understood. Do we really want to? Or do we want to stay hidden, angry? Like Oma? Because her anger propelled her, energized her, kept her alive? Is that why letting go of the anger is so hard – because we fear to how vulnerable we will be if it does not protect us anymore?

Should have known better. I showed G. the model of Dilts I am working on. What was a good idea, was to ask him where the money comes from in our country. Mum actually understood my question, and answered. Mainly export, is what she said. So we get richer because other countries get poorer. This made me think of Dilts’ logical levels. How our behavior as individuals is not consistent with some of our (humanity)values. I wanted to discuss with G. Here’s where I took a wrong turn. I do not remember now why, but something angered me. Yes, now I remember: he does not believe in the global village. Because of the lack of information. The Chinese government keeps its information channels shut, so as to not confuse its people. G. had also explained how China supports America because of the loans. So the only relation with other countries China is interested in is a power-driven financial one.

I guess what angered me is how he does not believe in real change. He does not believe in the possibility of making Dilts’ model real. And also, how he will talk about things on a generalized, non specific level. Mum understood, I think, but did not really help things by mentioning how cynical one could get about these issues and how this was a debate that was hot in the 70s. Well, duh! That’s when you raised me! Of course I would stick to these ideals in one way or another, you have imprinted me so…. Well, of course I refrained from snapping at her once again. Maybe that is why I got angry with poor G. Which I tried to hide, too (of course).

I do not know what to make of this, but I know I am not yet finished with Dilts. It still holds some promise for me, if only in how I proceed in the jobhunt. It will give me some guidance. Maybe I will be disappointed and abandon it. So far it gives me interesting holds to give words to nonspoken but omnipresent issues. Through then norms/values level.

I guess I should also start unwinding from this mental process that has got me locked in my own mental world, however enjoyable. To start socializing with mum, G. and my little darling F. Spread and receive some love. Giving myself 15 mins. to finish up physically. Will do some decluttering around the house to disengage mentally, which takes a little more time.

Signing out…!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: