Tink*abell

Happy New Year to all my dear readers!

I am so glad to be back here among you.

Confusion has ruled my mind for the past two weeks. Maybe its because I was away from the blogsphere. I could not write. I brought paper and pencil and sat down a time or two, dropped a note or two – but it did not feel like getting down (or up) to the level that fills me. The level that needs attention, straigthening out, emptying out, sorting. The level where I get back to me.

My husband, my son and me took a trip to the inlaws in Austria. We own a little house there in a village near Vienny, with his brother with wife and son. The house is old and filled with residual memories and stuff, the storage space any second house will become if lack of vision or courage applies. In this case, the energy of a family that bottles up their feelings, members rarely expressing their personal desireds and needs, but keeping up appearances and thinking of the others first.

We arrived sunday the 22nd. Dinner at S’parents’ villa next door, a nice cosy arrival.

On monday, we tried rearranging stuff, cleaning out some more – we started that last year, when S’s parents moved next door and turned the house over to us. But still. We had to do it without the help of brother and sister in law, who were arriving five days after us. And hadn’t anticipated the troubles in such an endeavour when darling little F of 13 months was crawling around our feet. In the afternoon, we visited oma.

Tuesdaymorning we dropped F off at his grandparents after his nap. Got done settling in. Visited tante Jutta in Wien in the afternoon and the Christkindlmarkt at the Karlsplatz with brother in law and fam.

Wednesdaymorning: swimming. At 16, Weihnachten at S’ uncle and aunt. The stiffness of this celebration caught me by the throat this year especially. Funny, when all the family members seem nice enough individually. There seems to emanate a moral righteousness from some, almost invisibly, that sours it up. I was struck by cousin C who glanced over to his dad, uncle C, admonishingly, during the final prayer of Our Father – uncle C forgot to put in a starting phrase or something. I always feel pretty silly during that prayer: I do not know the words and do not know how to hold myself. Of course the four of them went to midnight mass. Cousin C, in university now, is still active in the catholic Jungschar – a youth group from church.

Thursday – nothing planned. Don’t remember what we did. Arrival of brother in law and family to the house, settling in. Curious absence of discussion of our vorschlag, proposal, of how we rearranged the house.

I felt bereaved of my speaking faculties, because the lingua franca was, as a matter of course, german. I had the hardest time ever expressing myself. Tripping over pronouns, searching for my vocab. Seems to get harder every year – not until the second week did I feel more comfortable. I keep forgetting. It was hard last year, too.  

Also, for the huge pile of outfits we’d brought F, I only brought one jeans for myself. That got quite dirty on monday and tuesday.

Why am I writing all this? Because I feel so confused, and disappointed too, at the way our holidays went. I had looked forward to them. But it all went so different from what I expected – when I wasn’t even aware I had expected anything at all. I was cranky most of the time. When I felt so good before leaving. I had a hard time “umschalten” – shifting gears. I guess I felt homesick. And now, here I am in Amsterdam. We returned on friday and had a brilliant weekend. Visited with my family. Did some cosy stuff ourselves – and just enjoyed being at home, in our familiar surroundings.

Maybe I just started liking it so much here, that I hated being dragged away? Maybe I am getting to old for travel? Maybe it is my connection to F, who’s too young for travel as we experienced in Vancouver last September? It is so not working. I feel anxious about family holidays. I do not want to go.

And now, again, I have to shift gears. In my home office, build on my business future. Where did I leave things when I left? Is all I ever do ask questions? Will my vision, that seemed so clear in December, rematerialize all by itself? Or do I need to tug at it? Where to start? What to do? Was it any good, in the first place? Or should I stop worrying so much and just start, anywhere (probably)?

Guess part of my disappointment is how the freshness I have been feeling so clearly inside of me, growing, growing, that I am tending to here, is so invisible to the people we have spent, not just this Christmas, but all those Christmasses with. The last decade. How my perspective, that’s changing inside of me, budding, yearning to come out, is too fragile, covered in earth, to be perceived by them. I feel frustrated to not be that person – to not express it – to not choose according to it. I don’t feel I was in the right place. Maybe I was. Maybe I need more faith and patience. But all I felt was alienation, removal. Moral highground, judgements. Emptiness. Cold. Yet, constriction. Did I do that? I feel, no. I feel, old patterns and strongholds take us over – all of us. I have come to see people in different – unfavourable – light. Including myself – powerless. And aborted – from my fertile homeground. Guess I am growing roots here. Why can I not feel my values within me? Like those around me feel mine? Everyone is always happy to see me, to have me. Why do I depend so much on my surroundings? Why am I not stronger, more protective of my boundaries, empowering that in me which is strong, believing, faithful? Why do I doubt myself? I am hoping I will be more at ease there, next time. And more at ease here, today.

So, confusion. Disappointment.

But then again, it is winter. Flowers are supposed to hide in their buds. Maybe I should enjoy the confinement of the earth.

Plowing on,

Cleaning up my pencil-and-paper-notes archive, this note merits its own post:

angst/how to deal

1) recognize

2) allow it to enter, to be

3) a. park it, or

b. let it simmer

c. (I add now) show someone, in a small way, before it gains momentum on me

d. (idem) know that there are other options to act or not act, also.

Also, a list of bodily signs to help me identify fear:

- stomach ache, sore throat, tired eyes

- heavy, tired

- listless, without will

- heavy, powerless hands

- emotional numbness

- not being able to truly care what others think or feel

- pushing self forward without really wanting to

1. Embrace love in all its forms, everyday anew – recognize it is always there, in any and all forms it can take – in anger, fear, disappointment too. Not just the rosy, easy stuff. For self, for others. It is always there and it’s all there is. Trust, know, feel, believe that – even when it seems a lie. Try. 

2. Re-cognise and de-fuse (=refuse) old expectancies of templates, of what it should be – perceive every moment open and fresh. Have the guts to take my senses (eyes, ears and the other 4) out of the mind and into the world.

3. If I fail, like I know I will, strong as old patterns and expectancies are – take the courage that’s always been there, and always will be, to open my eyes and face the fear. Embrace it as a friend. Share this friend with other friends. Allow them to shine their light on it. Face the shame, allow it in.

4. (checking back to Love Is list for inspiration, really having said everything essential, but afraid to be incomplete) No, I’m done. Good. Short & sweet.

Money is… not important enough to justify its own Best of List! OK not true. Important but difficult (still) and not something to focus on, now. I prefer to leave it to trust as defined in my Work – iWish 1.0 list, for now. Not in denial! Just temporizing, prioritizing. Maybe later.

Some uppy stuff to finish off this post. This Dutch boy’s definitely going places… Big up!

After a definite new low yesterday, I am feeling better.

Took some time, and a hard talk with mom (you know the kind, getting sucked in a vortex where you both feel useless), a horrid day with poor little babyboy (I feel to blame, but then: it can’t always be roses! never promised you a rosegarden!), and some wonderful inspirations and encouragement from three blogheroes (Sue Ann Edwards, Nick Smith and Vannessa Leigh) – thank you all! Today: feeling hungover and hoping my sore throat is not gonna develop into a full featured flu -

But yes! Better! New ideas and inspirations, and most of all – renewed sense of hope, faith, trust and love – of self, too : ).

Trying to remain calm, grounded, and not go into hypermania/overdrive (gotta love your mania, though, like the master said) – slowly loading my guns filling my gardening basket, putting on those gloves…

I changed the desing back, too : ) – reflecting my spirit… love how easy that is in WordPress : D

Listmania…

Instead of putting my energy in reinventing bartering (thanx Vanessa for the word) and other alternative payment systems, I choose to take a look at my lists (love, money, work) and choose the values I desire.

Work goals – I wish to

1. connect with people in new ways, albeit with new people, or with familiar people on new levels

2. seek out cooperative acts

3. move side by side, shoulder by shoulder, take a hand when needed, on my own speed, connecteded and helped by a general shared inspiration

4. invent my path as I go along

5. envision the kind of rewards I desire (& help others envision theirs)

6. trust these rewards will present itself in due time

7. open up to surprise twists and (U-)turns in process and results

8. love what I call work – most of the time if not all of it.

Now that I’ve put these wishes out there, why shouldn’t they come true? : )

Stay tuned for the love and money ones.

1. difficult

2. disappointing

3. makes me feel guilty, either way, a lose/lose scenario; if I have it, I feel guilty; if I don’t, I feel guilty too.

4. should represent the earth that grows us (but fails)

5. instead, it empties us out, and the earth too.

6. I hate it

7. I need it

8. I want to look at it relaxed and flexible

9. I can’t

10. That makes me feel powerless

11. burns a hole in my pocket

12. cuts through relationships

13. I want it to be a fertilizer, not a knife

14. I want to be independent

15. can I look at love and money like two separate operating systems, like Ubuntu and Windows?

16. An insurance, not a condition (shameful statements)

17. Forget it, it’s a condition

18. It represents the space you take up in this world

19. It’s hidden

20. It’s a taboo

21. I hate it

22. Yet I need it.

Hm, that seems the most complex one of all. The only sensible conclusion I can draw from it, is that I should work on a work first, get paid later scenario: you’ll pay me what you think my work is worth. Like I know people did. That should validate the trust and the relationships, which I value over the money – that I do need, however. Looking into that – back later. Have to celebrate Sinterklaas now with crummy homemade poetry!!

After I did the love list, the work list did not come as such a shocker. Truly, I spent just 15 minutes on completing all four lists, so timewise it was a piece of cake. All the more amazing, how powerful the exercises really are.

Getting on with the work list. Again, I wrote “work is…” on top of a white sheet and numbers from 1. to 20. in the left margin. Here’s what followed:

1. hard

2. denying me love, presence of loved ones, friends

3. isolation

4. boring

5. stupid

6. I hate myself (?)

7. I hate money (again, huh?)

8. keeping me from moving, growing

9. stupid

10. silly

11. boring

12. repetitive

13. ignorant/numbing

14. taking me away from myself

15. draining my energy and my spirit

16. like my childhood family – ignoring me

17. difficult

18. should be fulfilling, but fails

19. failing me

20. disappointing

21. a big disappointment (echoes of people in my past saying, I expect too much)

22. is this what mum & dad ignored me for?

23. failing to connect me with self & others

24. failing to stir my creativity

25. failing to make this world a nicer place

26. all about money

27. not about people

28. should be the other way around

Well, that explains something… why I am not finding a job, for one! My motivation sucks big time. That is to say, I have a lot of beliefs about work being horrible. The upside is, a positive motivation is hidden in there, too – I guess the same goes as the love bit: I should accept that I have (had) these negative beliefs, embrace the disappointment as something that work has generated in my past, allow for the possibility it will disappoint me again. But also define how it might satisfy me – from stuff in points 23 – 28.

As promised, I’ll share my love is… list with you. That I did yesterday. Looking at the blog, this design does not at all fit my mood and content, so I’ve changed it accordingly. I never was a black metal fan but this is where this blog seems to be going, and I’ll tag along.

However, to ease the blow somewhat (that’s mainly for me), I’ll start with what I take away from the list. I tried starting with a summary of what I want to take away, but that does not work at all. I’ll try relating the process, instead.

I wrote down “Love is…” on top of a white sheet of paper, and numbered from 1 to 20 in the left margin.

I started filling out the numbers.

1. difficult (oops)

2. I don’t know love (oops, oops)

3. makes me sad (here’s where the tears started coming)

4. I don’t believe it (more tears, I’ll tell you when it stopped)

5. not to be trusted

6. lonely

7. makes you dependent

8. scary

9. impossible

10. all that matters

11. what I really need

12. out of my reach (end of the tears. Instead, I felt something huge clogging up my throat, choking me, making me want to throw up)

13.  false

14. too sweet to bear

15. emptiness

16. being alone and naked in a wet cold concrete world

17. making me blue

18. overwhelming

19. impossible

20. death

21. guilt

22. the reason I’ve been blue most of my life (?)

23. misunderstood (by me and most of my dearest ones)

24. never the same

25. forever & forgiving

26. something I really want to learn, feel, understand, experience, radiate

27. within me (I hope) always

28. a human given

29. I experienced for the 1st time for my son

30. I want to know what love is

31. (not like in the Foreigner song, “I want you to show me”) I want to show myself.

I had not expected this. Is this how I usually feel? Where is the love? The chirpy me, me and my friends know and love? The belief, the faith, the trust in love and connectedness, how everything is gonna be alright? Where is it? Is this just a mood I am in? Or is this my basic belief set? OMG. I do not want it to be – which is probably why it is dragging me down. I guess I should open up to the fear and vulnerability bit. Own it. Yes, I am scared, too. I have been disappointed and sad, and I will be.

I guess all the other, more optimistic beliefs, are there, but hide behind the ones I disowned.

I shall try to feel my fear, more.

Thank you for listening.

This cheesy comic came to mind during this exercise. It was a big thing in Holland in the 70s and I've always hated it... the list clarified why.

Sue Ann Edwards wrote about the emptiness of self. I recognize me in her lines, especially now, when I feel so stuck in the same old, same old.

I found treasure towards the end of her post. She writes:

I’ve chosen to believe in the Passion of my Life.

 

Here’s an exercise in reclaiming and getting to know yours.

 

Choose any subject: money, love, God, sex, marriage, work, etc. Then fill in the sentence, ‘Money is ______’ 20 times. Or ‘Love is ______’ 20 times. Whatever subject you choose, complete the sentence 20 times.

I tried it for love, work, money and sex. Issues that seem so hard for me now.

Sure enough, by item 3 on the list of love, I started crying. Finally, some relief of this tension.

I’ll post more about those lists here, later.

For now, I’d just like to thank Sue Ann for sharing and for her wonderful tip. Already, I feel loads better and not so stuck anymore. I recommend the exercise to anyone feeling stuck – to my future self, too : ).

Yep, I’m here again for a quick pitstop (WHAAAH what’s happened to the WordPress dashboard, well at least it’s making this pitstop real quick thanks for this QuickPress feature – to think I started in september writing my notes in Notepad as a backup and quick way, offline too… not a bad idea but seems to have faded, anyway…).

Lot’s of effort on my nameblog, which is nice.

But now, I am afraid. I feel like going round in circles.

Last coupla networking dates I had (on monday, phonecall on wednesday) left me a) pretty sure I want to do advertising, the new social media bottom up kind and b) terrified of actually uttering that desire. My mind is throwing obstacles before I can even think the thought. You can’t, no experience, not savvy, you’re not the type, can’t, not wild enough, not glam enough, you’ll fail miserably, no one will want you, everybody wants to do that, you are boring, etc.

And I cower. Same old, same old. I know, I should not. I should “stand up against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, end it.” Instead I sleep. I dream. I write. Wait. For what? Tick tock! Times awasting!! I know.

This time, I know I can make myself put in that phonecall. But jumping over my shadow will not be effective – it is my old strategy, that got me places, but not to “me” (I’ve been to paradise, but I, never been to me).

Courage is not leaping, eyes closed, into the unknown dark, away from the familiar dark. I feel I must walk eyes wide open through the familiar dark, carry it on my sleave, take it with me, and shine it’s dark light on into unfamiliar darkness, where adventure and life await.

But for now, I cower. I write. I think I must define my deepest fear – what if I will be great? If they will want to talk to me, even consider working with me? What if I could work in advertising? My heart starts skipping a beat. I must be on some kind of right track. Taking a deep breath – I’ll be back (or not).

What if the advertising bizz needs a person like me to move forward succesfully into this new direction?

PS cat housefriend came upstairs when I was handling a phonecall that turned out a disappointing way. he knew! he came for comfort. isn’t that brilliant?